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There are people who believe we must do whatever it takes to win this war and there are others who believe that if we lose our humanity we’ve already lost on a much deeper level. I used to sit myself proudly on the latter side, but not so much anymore. It’s not that I necessarily disagree with that group of people anymore, it’s that I agree with both groups and have seen what our enemy is willing to do.

The Bane do not care who is dying nor do they show us any mercy. There is no reason we should feel any need to either. We do not have numbers on our side and every single time we hesitate to take necessary action we lose a few more. That isn’t my idea of fighting a good war. Maybe I’m becoming a bit too much of a soldier, having too much fun with it now, but I still believe that we are in the right here, even when our actions are…less than exemplary.

I’m not really proud of what I did, I don’t think you ever can be when you are killing one of your own. They sold us out though, and they did it with no remorse. They place more value on a Thrax soldier than they do on their brothers, and that is inexcusable. I won’t stand around and let someone else turn us over to be experimented on like those men in Pravus. That’s something you can’t wish upon anyone.

They came to us and attacked. We didn’t go looking for a fight. They will do it on other planets, every one they come across, and it is our job to stop them. Sometimes it isn’t pretty. This isn’t an enemy that we’ll ever come to some agreement with. They want to eradicate us. I don’t know why, and I’m not sure it matters really. I’ve said we shouldn’t lose our humanity but, isn’t our will to survive the most human trait of all?

There is no excuse for choosing them over us, no matter what we do, and yes, I will be the one to put an end to anyone who tries to stand in my way.

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tabula rasa, ncsoft, plaync, mmog, mmorpg, mmo, mmo gaming, fan fiction, traitors, bane, thrax

I love a good meal. I love it even more now that all I have is the memories. We don’t get a lot of good stuff to eat on Foreas. Not sure why that is exactly, they give us rations but they are only edible in the sense that eating them is better than dying a slow, agonizing death from starvation. A few people in Foreas Base have done some experimentation with the local wildlife but I’m not sure I trust it all that much. Back on Earth I didn’t even like trying foods from other countries, let alone trying something based on an alien animal.

I’ve noticed it curious, up to this point that I hadn’t much thought of what the Bane eat. I mean, I guess I always assumed they did it just never struck me as something to worry about. Things changed heading down into the prison. Some type of Bane was in there, don’t know what he was really other than not dead, which I personally thought was a bit of a shame. Anyway, they send me out to pick up some food for him, you know, to make him more cooperative. I didn’t really ask any other questions after that. I didn’t question what they meant by “more cooperative” and I think maybe that was a good thing because I’m not sure I would have had the stomach for it if I’d known.

At any rate I got what they needed for him and headed back. When I got there I looked up at him, standing behind the forcefield, watching my every move; or perhaps more correctly every move of the items I was carrying. He promised to give me some information in exchange for handing over the food. Didn’t sound like a good deal to me, honestly. Give him some food and then hope he tells me something useful? Didn’t sound right so I left him there, looking hungrily at the food I had. Looking back I do feel kind of bad, because I have a pretty good idea of what was done after that, I’m no idiot, but still, sometimes you gotta take those steps, right?

He did end up giving us some information after we held out on him a little longer, too. Must’ve figured it would be better to live a traitor than die hungry. Not much time left, I’ve got to head out to the rendezvous soon to see about a prisoner trade-off he mentioned. We’ll see how that pans out. Let’s just say I’m stocking up on ammo first.

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Tabula rasa, ncsoft, mmog, mmo gaming, mmorpg, mmo, bane, foreas, foreas base

What have I done? The worst part about what happened is I don’t feel bad. I would do it again, if given the chance. It’s a horrid feeling. I’ve killed Bane before, armed and attacking me, but not like this; never like this. Let me back up a moment though to where it actually started.

I’ve spoken out before against losing our humanity in this war, but that was before what I saw today. I went into Pravus Research Facility, it was inexplicable. What they were doing to us, and to the Foreans, it isn’t…well, there are no words. I will never forget what I saw and heard there, the machines, the whirring and buzzing. And the cutting.

I can not forget, and that is what drove me to my next action. I left Pravus, all of me except for the past few meals. Not long after that I went out to get an herb that would help cure a spreading virus. I left Ranja Gorge with a vial of the antidote in my hand and the determination to get it out to the people who would need it. That’s when things got strange. I picked up a communication coming over my radio, telling me to go meet someone, that it was important that I do so immediately. I’m no soldier, but I’m also no idiot, and when AFS commands come in I don’t question them.

What I met was one of the Bane. He wanted the antidote, said it was affecting them too. Logically what he said was true, if I gave him the antidote it would be a simple matter to get more made but I wasn’t thinking logically. All I could see when I looked at it was that man, lying on the table instruments hovering over him, cutting him, slicing him open. That could have been someone’s husband, someone’s brother, someone’s friend. And I cracked. Tears streamed down my face and I lost control. I pulled out my gun and I fired, and I did it again, and again and again. The look on it’s face, as if it was almost surprised. It didn’t even get a chance to respond before it was laying in a pool of it’s own blood. And I just kept on shooting until my weapon jammed and I couldn’t do anything else. I wept. I wept for that man I’d seen in Pravus, and all the others like him, and I wept because of what I’d done. That blind fury, the rage that overtook me, I think the worst part about all that was I felt good about it. Because in the end, I think he deserved it, and I would do it again.

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tabula rasa, fan fiction, pravus research facility, ranja gorge, bane, mmog, mmo gaming, mmo

I wouldn’t say that I was ever particularly happy or unhappy with where I lived on Earth. It just was. Having lived there my whole life I didn’t notice any natural beauty it had or any particular thing that many others would comment on, I simply took them for granted. Many of the things now that I was so used to seeing they didn’t even register I miss. Creatures jumping out of trees, freakishly over-sized super spiders, and that appears to just be the local fauna, which are the least threatening of what I’ve encountered make me miss all those other things.

I’m also finding myself doing things I would never have done if this was Earth. Drugs, for instance. I didn’t go into Twin Pillars expecting to do anything but restock on some ammo. That’s not what happened. All I was supposed to do was make a few deliveries to some men around Concordia Wilderness I didn’t exactly understand what I was getting myself into. As I was heading out Commander Taylor stopped me. I didn’t like the look he was giving me, not that I would have voiced that opinion to him. He asked me about some drugs; drugs that had been disappearing from the hospital. I didn’t feel so good after that. I told him I didn’t know anything about it. What else was there to do, right?

I mean, I suppose the other option would have been to turn them over but who’s he to say that the men I gave them to don’t need them? Maybe they weren’t in physical pain, but it’s a whole different game out there on the front lines than it is sitting back in a secured area. What we see isn’t natural and if we need something to keep our sanity than who are these “superiors” to tell us differently?

Enough of that though, I’m not going to question whether what I did was right all day. Besides, there’s so much more to tell. I went into Crater Lake Research Facility, and that’s when I really began to question just what is acceptable. I mean, I hate the Bane as much as anyone but still, there some level of humanity we have to retain right? That’s why I couldn’t turn him in. I’ve seen what they’ve done to us and the Foreans, turning us into mindless machines but still, we’re better than that. We can’t stoop to that level. There has to be other ways to get an edge in this war. And if there isn’t, maybe we would have been better off dying by the hand of the Bane than by our own madness.

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tabula rasa, fan fiction, mmog, mmo, mmo gaming, foreas, foreans, bane, crater lake research facility, twin pillars outpost

My name is Ozymandias. I’ve always wanted to be able to put those words down but have not had the chance until now. Having done so it seems almost excessively cheesy, but I stand behind it for the moment. When I introduce myself to others it is always Oz but here I’ll be completely honest. It started out as a shortening of my name but I’ve noticed more recently it has become a commentary on certain habits. If this seems disjointed it probably is. I am thoroughly rattled by the events of each day now, though it wasn’t always like this.

I got out. Escape, of course, was not my intention, curling up and dying was. I make no apologies for being a coward, if that’s what I should be called. I’m no fighter. I’d never held a gun before just a few days ago. And guns, if the talk I hear is to be believed, is the least of the things I carry that the Bane need to worry about. I’m a Receptive, which meant just about nothing when I was first told, and now still only means slightly more. I guess I’m supposed to be happy that I can do this but really I’m just scared and confused. I’ve officially joined the AFS, Allied Free Sentients. Now, saying that I joined doesn’t quite properly explain what actually happened. It wasn’t so much a matter of me choosing to go out and fight the Bane forces as it was the fact that I still had all of my appendages attached to my body. This is a plus, and also about the only thing required to be given a gun and pointed in the direction of much bigger guns that would be best left not standing.

In line with that I guess it would be important to note what I am doing now. I’ve been told it is imperative that I study the Eloh language, as one of few who will be able to harness the secrets contained therein. That makes things seem as if it is just skipping around the countryside though, and that is hardly the case. While there may be some amount of skipping going on, it is more normally coming from my heartbeat. Getting to the top of a ridge and staring into the face of any manner of beast has made me very jumpy. Not nearly so jumpy as some of my other missions.

Blood. Hearts. “Goo.” I’ve been told to collect all of these things, from various animals or…creatures. It is one thing to stare a Thrax soldier in the face and end his life to stop him from ending mine, it is quite another to root around in his innards for the purpose of study. Human curiosity has not been diminished since we left Earth, but I am beginning to feel it has taken on a new and perhaps less whimsical nature.

I guess all of this information is really secondary to my status now but it feels good to be able to take a few moments and contemplate. Now I am a soldier. If I had been told this is what my life would become a year ago I wouldn’t have believed it. I’m about as far removed from anything military as is humanly possible. Then again I’m also beginning to see that we are becoming about as far removed from our humanity as we can be…perhaps that story can wait until later.

Previously…

tabula rasa, ncsoft, mmo gaming, fan fiction, mmog, mmorpg