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We fight because we have to. It isn’t our desire to engage in wars we can’t win, but that is where we find ourselves now. There is no stopping an enemy who will do what is necessary and ignore what is right. We cannot win.

We are fighting on two fronts. We get up every day and know our enemy is the Bane. We go to sleep every night wondering if our enemy is our brother. We kill them, and they us. And then we kill each other. It isn’t bloodthirst on our parts, we kill because we still question. Our questions destroy us. We cannot win.

Every one of theirs we kill they bring back, a more horrid incarnation than the last. Every one of ours we kill they bring back, mindless and willing. We cannot win.

We wonder if they feel, if they hurt like we do. We wonder, and we worry. We waste our time securing planets they come in solely to destroy. It is easier to ruin than to build. We cannot win.

Our desire for truth, for justice, causes our losses. They turn our men into machines. We feed theirs. They torture and experiment, we cry over their deaths. We cannot win.

We run from fights. Our allies run from fights. They demand loyalty. We cannot win.

We hold out or give to our friends, but always at the expense of another. We worry about who this will hurt. The only pain they care about is ours, more specifically making sure we feel it. We cannot win.

We put our own in harms way to try and gather information on our enemy. They know all they need to about us. They don’t want us alive, and that information sustains them because they are in control of this war. We cannot win.

We chase after languages long dead, in the hopes of our magical save. Among their numbers are those that speak it. We cannot win.

Our technology works if we are lucky. Their technology works without question. It works, and it is always with deadly precision. We cannot win.

We are tested to determine if we are worthy of a power strong enough to hold them back. They run through our numbers and take what they need. We cannot win.

We come to them with a few. They come to us with hundreds. We cannot win.

We do what we can to prove to these alien races that they need to join our fight. They eradicate those who oppose. We cannot win.

We have no hope of surviving for very long. They have numbers. Still, we fight. We fight because we are stubborn. We fight because we can’t just lay down and die. We fight because we must. We cannot win.

But we will go down fighting.

tabula rasa, fan fiction, plaync, ncsoft, destination games, mmo, mmog, mmorpg, mmo gaming, foreas, Bane, eloh

I have done things on Foreas that I would never have done on Earth. I have said this before, but negatively. Today, I mean it differently. I have not been perfect, I have done horrible things, things that I question every waking minute.

Still, I have done good things too. I have helped people, both humans and Foreans. I have disposed of our enemy, the Bane, by the hundreds. They know who we are now. They know that they have a fight on their hands, even if it is one they can still win.

I have seen what the enemy is capable of, and I have changed because of it. Things I never thought about doing before now suddenly don’t seem so bad, or they are at least more gray than before.

On principle I stand against torture. In practice I stand against torture of my allies and encourage it for my enemies. It is a selfish notion, of course, but that doesn’t make it any less how I feel. We didn’t start this war, and probably never would have, so, in my mind, we are justified in doing what is necessary to teach them a lesson.

It is easy to sit on the sidelines and talk about how horrid the things we do each day are, about how we need to look at all sides of the matter, but such thinking is purely foolish. I need only know one side of an argument, my own. And I will always stand by that.

I have not liberated Foreas, I have not beaten the Bane back, but I have caused them harm and that means they will lose time. If they lose it, we gain it, and that is the best we can hope for. Time is what we need. Time to learn, time to harness the teachings of the Eloh. I think it is our only chance of survival, and that is the ultimate goal. This war isn’t about winning, it’s about facing off against extinction and proving we are worthy of continuing our existence.

I don’t have all the answers yet, I don’t know that I ever will, but Foreas has taught me a great deal, and I plan to use those lessons to the fullest on Arieki. I’ll be heading out tomorrow and from there, who knows.

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Going into the Palisades one might think we have a pretty good hold on the area. From the Divide it is a clear run into a strongly fortified AFS establishment. It makes people feel save. The Divide is anything but, even Foreas Base, for all its strengths, is constantly under attack. Comparatively, it would appear, the Bane do not care as much about this area. That thought has been wiped away now.

The Bane are concentrated here, they have a very specific purpose and they have achieved an unprecedented hold on a part of this land. No doubt they plan to soon expand that hold.

Skive Base is more disturbing than anything I have previously seen. They have the numbers, that I’ve always known. Up until now I didn’t fully understand just how lopsided things truly were. Patrols spread out around the base in at least a 100 meter radius. Thick patrols. The kind of patrols you don’t get away from.

Running is not an option. They have patrols packed so tightly any attempt to escape is an invitation to attract more attention. The only way to survive is to fight, and that is hardly a guaranteed win. These things haunt me.

It is one thing to know your enemy is stronger and has greater numbers than you, it is an entirely different thing to see this first hand, knowing it is only a portion of the truth. I have an entirely different perspective on things now, and it isn’t particularly pleasant.

I killed many of them but it didn’t even seem to matter. Each one I killed just brought three more to replace him. I think I always believed, being the “good guys” in this war that we had the upper hand somehow. We weren’t the instigators so in some cosmic way we had to win. But that just isn’t the reality of the situation. Our being “right” isn’t enough, and I don’t know of anything that is.

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We no longer need proof, and I don’t wish to collect it any more. We know they do horrid things to us. Why must we always bring it back up. Why must we constantly work so hard to see how they are trying to do their last unspeakable act.

They send us out together so we can be trusted to stomach it. Even with that encouragement I can’t help but get nauseous each time I am introduced to a new breed of evil they they are able to conjure up.

It is one thing to look at a body lying dead, even of one close to you, but it is an entirely different thing to look upon what may have once been a body. Before the Bane got a hold of it.

The structures they set up look like they are built from the bones and blood of the ones they kill and that is bad enough. But to see a friend, half a friend really, lying on the ground, is not something normal. It doesn’t matter how many they send us out with, there is no stomaching that.

I don’t know where the rest of him was but I knew that face. I did not know the look upon it though. I have been overwhelmed before but this was more than that. It wasn’t terror, it wasn’t shock, it was some horrible amalgam of a dozen different emotions all frozen forever in that face.

I can’t unsee it. I wish I could but there is no turning back. I think in some ways I bonded with those others then. Maybe that is why we were told to go out together in the first place. That shared experience united us in a way that no other thing ever has.

I wouldn’t say it was worth it exactly, but that is entirely beside the point.

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In the Wilderness the relationship we had with the Foreans, while tenuous, was relatively good. That seems to have weakened as I move from one area to the next. In the Palisades, where there are a variety of templates, they seem to trust us less.

They don’t like us invading their sacred areas and they don’t trust us to take the proper care when we do. I don’t necessarily blame them for this as we certainly have done our fair share of damage even with the best of intentions.

It took me a while to get this far but finally, after a great deal of doing some more menial tasks I was able to get access to one of these temples. I’m not sure I was actually prepared for what faced me inside.

The Eloh, or his image, at least, told me what the trial was, a choice. There was no right or wrong choice here, at least not exactly. I could choose to save one, and only one, of two people. On one side there was an old Forean who had done good things with his life. He was not as strong as he once was but he was a genuinely good person. On the other side was a young woman.

For her part she had done nothing evil, but she had also done nothing good. The choices she would make in the future would determine how she would be classified. Who do you save?

I thought for a while about what to do. Do I save someone great and sacrifice someone who isn’t? Or do I place my bets on the future choices of a person? These are the types of choices we are tasked with and yet there is no good choice. Every choice we make means someone else will suffer, and really what kind of choice is that?

Looking back I’m not sure I did the right thing. Why did I choose this person over that one? Was I really doing what I felt was morally and ethically right? Or did I do it to satisfy a less altruistic motive? I guess dwelling on those questions may very well be the point.

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I have said before that I do not like the fact that the Cormans will not fight with us. That is not to say they aren’t helping us in some way or other, but when I see men and women on the front lines fighting a war that we know will be the end for most of us, and they just sit back and ask for our protection, well, I guess I get a bit annoyed by that.

I encountered something worse today. Though this does not speak for all of them I met a certain Forean today who I shall not name, because he does not deserve to have it uttered. He left with a group of Foreans to hold off the Bane threat near the Fithik trench. That’s what I was told anyway, as it was my duty to bring this group back to base. They wouldn’t leave without him and he had run off into some cave or other. Fine, time to go drag his carcass, or whatever may be left of it, out of the cave so they can see that he is good and dead.

You’ll have to excuse the crass attitude there but really sometimes it is best just to accept that the inevitable has happened and move on rather than, you know, waste everyone’s time…but I may be getting ahead of myself in complaints.

I’m not a big fan of Fithik. Up until now I had encountered relatively few of them, but here, especially I have encountered more than my fair share. There were dozens in the cave and no signs of a body as I kept getting deeper and deeper inside. Finally after winding my way through the tunnels I found him. He was not dead, he was alive and basically unharmed, hiding in a crevice cut out of the cave wall.

My first assumption was that he couldn’t make it out with all the Fithik around and I would have to help him out. I’d cleared the way pretty well so I didn’t think this would be a problem. That is, until I found out he didn’t want to leave.

He asked me to go back to the group he had left and tell them he was dead, that he died honorably, fighting. I didn’t. I told them of his cowardice. I told them that he was too scared to fight and wished to remain in hiding.

I have no sympathy for him. If you don’t want to fight fine, I certainly can’t make you, but to hide away in a corner making everyone believe you are dead. Well, that’s the lowest thing I can think of doing.

This is no time for hiding, everyone, fighter or not, can find some way to help out in this war. If you aren’t going to help, you might as well just join up with the Bane because it is about equivalent anyway.

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Krimm. The word doesn’t mean much on it’s own, but if I stick a description in front of the word it is much clearer. River Base Krimm. It’s location is beautifully situated on a river in the Palisades.

Under normal circumstances it would be enjoyable. As things are now though it is a prime location to control. The Bane want it under their control as it gives them a strong foothold in the area, and well, we want it too, for the obvious reason of not wanting them to have it.

I was heading there today to talk with someone stationed there. That is, before I ran. Coming into the Palisades it feels like we could be winning this war, but Krimm gives an entirely different impression. They dropped in dozens on top of us. For what it’s worth we did hold out for a while, but we were maybe half a dozen, we didn’t really stand a chance. We stopped them at one gate, completely held them at bay just the few of us and they stopped coming. We thought we’d held them off.

We were wrong. They came again, dozens more, from behind, at the back gate. When they broke through there we had to run, didn’t have a choice. I’m not suicidal and I know better than to fight battles that aren’t going to be won. Getting ourselves slaughtered wouldn’t have done anyone any good, and we lived to fight another day where we can take out a few more of the Bane.

The hunters, I think, are the worst. They come in, with their nets, and hold you as their-I don’t know what to call them, some kind of alien dogs, maybe?-tear you apart. Their numbers grow every day and ours shrink, even with all this technology. They’ll do whatever it takes to eradicate us but we still hold on to some ideals, and the Cormans, those damned Cormans, won’t pick up a weapon to help.

I…no. Saying more about them wouldn’t be good for anyone, especially if anyone happens to see this.

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There is a natural beauty to Foreas that is comforting. As much as the Divide is a wasteland the Palisades of Foreas is incredible. It feels almost like it could be a home. The Cormans have built up a decent settlement, there’s buildings, real, useful buildings, not the shacks of the Foreans and not the impersonal military buildings found in other places where we have settled. There’s even some farmland where there is, well, something growing.

All things considered I’d say it is one of the nicer areas I’ve been too. Sometimes, when I think about Earth, or more honestly when I fantasize about going back and things being back to normal I can’t help but wonder if we’ll still travel to these other planets we’ve encountered. Can we really stay holed up in one planet when the entire galaxy is ours to explore? Will we be vacationing on Foreas years from now instead of going to Florida or California or whatever other vacation spot we go to?

I think I wouldn’t mind it so much. Under different circumstances I could really be happy to have a piece of land and a nice house around here. It could be nice.

I’ve only just recently headed into the Palisades but already I can tell I’ll enjoy my time there. There seems to be some interesting things around here, and by “interesting” I mean “relating to the Eloh.” I don’t understand everything yet, but I do know enough to understand some of the messages they have left. What we should do with that information I can’t say, but they must have left it for a reason and I guess it is about time I started looking a bit deeper into this.

If there is one thing about the Palisades I don’t like though it is that there are just so many Corman followers here. It isn’t a matter of trusting, or not trusting, them either. I just don’t understand them. They don’t want to fight the Bane but they are surprised, and hurt, when the Bane will slaughter their own. This isn’t an enemy that has mercy or cares whether you are fighting back or not. I don’t know why they don’t care, but they don’t and that fact alone means that you have to be willing to do what is needed to get by.

We can’t have a huge force standing on the sidelines as we are massacred, I just don’t understand how they can do it.

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There is something exciting about picking up the latest weapon or piece of armor. The problem is that with all this great technology there is still a whole lot of shoddy crap hanging around.

It’s a bit unfortunate that it’s the case but I guess it is difficult to change when you only half understand how anything is supposed to work. At any rate, the important bit about all this is that new weapons, while great, can sometimes not bring about the desired results.

I’ll give an example, so that this isn’t just random ramblings. I picked up an electric cannon earlier. I’m not exactly an expert when it comes to using cannons, but, well, guns aren’t exactly rocket science…well…this does use rockets but…never mind. It isn’t hard. Point barrel at enemy, pull trigger, watch explosion. That’s about the extent of using a weapon. Oh sure, there’s some technicalities of course relating to all this but the basics are that. You could give a drunken panda a gun and he’d figure out how to kill you with it.

Or something like that. Ignore that, it really is just rambling.

Anyway, cannons, not so great. That’s what we are talking about right now. I’m all for efficiency out of weapons and really, what could be more efficient then a weapon that causes a massive BOOM on impact. Well, apparently a lot. I was told, a bit later than when it would have been useful, that cannons generally take several seconds to lock onto a target and really cause some damage.

Yeah…if you’ve been on the front lines you already see the problem. I don’t have time to be waiting 10 seconds as I get a lock on an enemy in the hope of killing them. These things don’t exactly reload themselves and I can’t help but feel as if giving me a cannon is just there attempt to get me to die. Normally in the time it takes me to lock a target I’m already being attacked on all sides by Bane.

I think I may be hanging up the cannon for a while in actual battle. Maybe I’ll get some practice in with it and try again, but at the moment I can’t afford to just kill myself from standing around. I’m behind the rest of my crew in kill count, and they are starting to wonder if I’m losing my touch. It’s about time to get out there and show them how it’s done.

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Back on Earth I was a big fan of Spider-Man. I still am, I suppose, just a bit odd to talk about it now. I liked him because unlike so many other super-heroes he didn’t have some magic random weakness that rendered him useless. Instead his biggest weakness seemed to be the second half of his name. He was human, and this was a problem, as it got in the way of his being awesome.

I say this mainly to bring out the fact that it is much how I feel. Going into this I didn’t know what I was doing. I didn’t pretend to either. But, hey, I lived, and that’s the important thing…to me anyway. Since then I have picked up a few things. First, and perhaps most importantly, is that our biggest problem in all of this is that we can’t just let it go. We fight together, but we aren’t united. The Bane have us beat hands down in that regard.

I’m not necessarily in favor of working like the Bane do, but the simple truth is they are efficient and they don’t turn on each other given the opportunity. As humans, we don’t use that same philosophy.

Fights break out more often than I would care to admit and mostly over trivial nonsense. Steal someone’s bed in the barracks, even if no one was in there when you went in, prepare for a fight. Take someone’s seat at the tavern, he’s probably going to punch first ask questions later. Look at someone in a way they misconstrue as rude, they’ll pull out their gun and take a shot.

You can’t win a two-front war. Especially when one side of that is allies stabbing you in the back. Everyone talks about getting back to Earth and taking back what is ours…but for what? We can’t even set aside our petty differences aside to fight unitedly against a single enemy. Why do we need our home planet back when we can’t even handle the basics yet? It’s time we faced the music, the Bane just came in and lightened the load for us, we can weed ourselves out the rest of the way on our own.

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Timora Mines is not a particularly pleasant place. Not because anything especially heinous is going on, at least not that I recall seeing, rather it is because I have a bit of a problem. I have a fear of heights. It is not mind-numbing or anything of that sort, I just prefer to not be very high up. I don’t really think there is anything wrong with that.

The Mines, assuming you can get to them after traveling up a winding cliff to reach them, are also full of huge walls and crevices. It seems odd, of course, to be worried about taking a bit of a fall instead of getting blown apart by the Bane, but really it is all a matter of experiences. I have survived Bane assaults, I have never survived a sheer drop off a cliff.

That isn’t to say that I couldn’t, but I’d just prefer not to be testing this if at all possible.

Timora is interesting notably for the fact that when I was told what I was to do it appeared that they already knew actually accomplishing the goals they set out for me would be only a delaying tactic. I guess I’m becoming trustworthy enough for them to say that there may not always be some way in which my actions will single-handedly save the planet.

I appreciate this; I’m not much one for delusions of grandeur, and certainly not for perpetuating them in others. Still, there is a sort of sadness at having this spoken out loud to me.

The delay tactic, this time, was to take out the Mine leaders to slow down their operations. The majority of the Bane are basically bodies useful for holding guns with the trigger down. They are certainly not the brightest of foes when it comes down to their front-line fodder. Not that I would expect any more than that. Finding good help truly is difficult I guess, and replacing dead good help will take some time.

So, yeah, maybe I’m not single-handedly saving the world, but doing my part in something greater doesn’t feel too bad either.

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I had doubts as to whether what I did was right when I refused to give food to the Thrax we had in captivity. What I did was right. There is no question anymore. What they do to us in their prisons is not even similar to what we did to that creature.

Yes, we refused food for a time, and yes, we even drugged the food we did give him. We didn’t gut him and explore his innards though. At some point we draw the line and that’s something that our enemy can not say.

The lucky ones in Torcastra are killed before they are experimented on. The less lucky are experimented on before they are dead, and the least lucky of all are kept alive. The things they do make my blood boil. No one should be forced to go through what they did.

I’m beginning to get the feeling that this war cannot be won. Every turn we stop them at they are able to start up somewhere else, doing something even more heinous than before. We haven’t liberated any planet yet and we know of at least a few that they are on. If we can’t get them off these planets, what can we do about Earth? Perhaps more importantly, what have they done to Earth? Will it even be a planet worth going back too?

I’ve seen the things they’ve done to parts of Foreas and it isn’t pretty. Everything they get near just becomes a wasteland. I don’t know if I want to go back to Earth and see that, I’m not sure I would be able to handle the beautiful landscape turned ugly. All I have left are my memories of home to keep me going, and if they turn out to be wrong, what’s the point? Each one of us, I think gets up every day because we believe we are fighting for our home. Sure we’ll help out on Foreas, or we’ll help out on Arieki but at the end of the day what I think each and every one of us wants is to go back to Earth, to go back home. I hope the memories aren’t the only thing that remain of it.

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I don’t like caves. Dark, damp and always creepy. Foreas has a lot of caves. My dislike was reaffirmed today in Minos Caverns. As if a single threat was not bad enough Minos Caverns hold some of the most harsh security on the planet that I’ve encountered. The Warnets are inside all over and they don’t take kindly to being disturbed. They were probably the least of our worries. The Bane have also set themselves up in the caverns and I’m not sure of exactly what they were doing.

It’s obvious that the answer can’t be anything good though, so going in and flushing them out was our objective today. They said I probably didn’t want to go in alone, and, after having been in there, I agree with them. It is not a place you venture into lightly. I had only encountered a few Kael up to this point but whatever they were hiding in the caverns they really didn’t want out. It is not all that big of a space but there were at least a dozen Kael in the area. Probably more.

The good news is we did manage to shut them down, at least for a little while. Whether or not they’ll regroup and continue with their work is hard to say but we do what we can each day to stop them.

It was not all trouble in the cave though, deep inside near the bottom of a large crevice and far in the back there was a Logos shrine. Each one I encounter teaches so much even if I don’t understand it. I know, it sounds like a contradiction but it isn’t easily explained any other way. I’m supposed to be heading out of the Divide soon, they are telling me I’m wanted for some work in the Palisades. I’ve heard a few stories from people in Foreas Base about the Palisades and it doesn’t sound like a very pleasant place. I guess I’ll have to wait and see on that count.

One thing is certain though if it gets much worse than Divide I’ll feel completely hopeless. We have a pretty good hold on the area but even still the Bane seem to have an unstoppable and innumerable force. Each dent we make is replaced just as quickly. I want only one thing from the Palisades; no surprises.

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It seems like every task they ask me to do that I complete they send me out again in an attempt to get me killed. I realize that probably isn’t the case but still it doesn’t help much when they ask me to do things like today. I mean, things sound simple enough, destroy a few predators at location X, drop a beacon, and wait as they bring in air support.

What they failed to mention, or I failed to hear, was that this location was not just a launching point for some Bane Predators but instead a location surrounded on every side by Bane. Not fun. One Predator, alone I can handle, two if I am uncharacteristically lucky, but more than that, and especially throwing in Thrax soldiers, or those ugly snot slug things and it becomes a little much.

To say that I was successful would be overstating the facts of the matter. I managed to survive, and I managed to place the beacon, but it wasn’t pretty. These abilities are not just useful for hurting, though I don’t seem to be able to do what others can. I’m bruised and banged up a bit, and I’ll be sore for weeks, but it’s not so bad. It could always be worse I suppose.

A little rest and relaxation would do wonders for me but that isn’t going to happen. I was already told where to head next by a somewhat shocked commander. I don’t think he expected me to come back alive, not that it bothered him as long as I got the beacon placed. I think people are starting to take notice of my, well, breathing, now. I was told if I keep up this pace I might even get put in charge of my own squad. I’m not sure I like that idea, for the obvious reasons of me being a complete and utter moron when it comes to fighting. I survive, but I’m not sure I can handle having the pressure of keeping others alive too.

I don’t speak things like that, it isn’t looked to kindly upon to turn down a promotion with the turnover rate that we have. Let’s hope we can fare a bit better with that at some point.

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Back around my early teen years, or perhaps a few years before that, it is hard to say exactly, I read a book, well, a trilogy actually. It started, though, with The White Mountains by John Christopher. If you are unfamiliar with the book basically it boils down to an alien race subjugating humanity and using gigantic three legged machines to scare us…or them, rather.

The book, well not inherently frightening was enough to cause me a few late nights staring at my ceiling. Tripods that wanted to control my actions was not a pleasant thought. I bring this up now because I have met this nightmare in reality, only it is much worse. It has no desire to control me, it just wants me dead, and it does so effectively. These are in every way worse than the imaginings from the ’60’s when the books were written.

Fortunately, just like in the books, these monstrosities are not without weakness and they can be overcome. Our technology, or at least our true understanding of it, seems to be considerably more limited than that of the Bane. I wonder if perhaps there is something even worse coming for us than these giants? It is not a question I like to consider often, but I think it needs to be considered all the same. Will we be ready for the next challenge they throw at us?

I’d like to believe so. Perhaps the answer really does lie in understanding what the Eloh have left behind for us. I don’t claim to fully understand the power I have now, or the things I can do, but it is a power all the same and something that the Bane seem to fear. Any time you can see an enemy as horrid as this show fear than something must be right. Now the worry is stopping them from obtaining it just as we have. They are born…or made, perhaps, for war and the devastation they already can cause is bad enough, if we don’t protect the one advantage we may have, then this war will be over before we ever get back home.

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